It has come to the attention of Cat Crimes HQ that a previously unidentified feline suspect has been linked to a string of smoked sausage thefts throughout the Lytham operational area.
Following several weeks of intelligence gathering, investigators have identified the suspect as Niles, a trusted associate of organised crime boss Don Meowleone.
Evidence suggests Niles has become the preferred operative responsible for acquiring Don Meowleone’s mother’s favourite smoked sausages from the family butcher in Lytham. Surveillance indicates the thefts are carried out with remarkable speed and precision, making recovery of the missing goods almost impossible.
Unfortunately for Don Meowleone, investigators have also uncovered one significant flaw in Niles’ otherwise impressive criminal career.
The suspect has an uncontrollable habit of eating the stolen sausages before they can be delivered, resulting in repeated failures to complete his assignments and several heated disputes within the Meowleone organisation.
The investigation has now been officially opened, and Niles has been classified as an active Cat Crimes suspect.
📁 Additional Investigation Logs
CAT CRIMES HQ
Official Detective Report
Investigation Log #002
The Lytham Sausage Heist
Date: 21 July 2026
Record Type: Detective Report
Filed By: Cat Crimes HQ
Suspect: Niles – The Sausage Thief
Incident Summary
Following the unexplained disappearance of a quantity of premium
smoked sausages from a family butcher in Lytham, Cat Crimes
investigators brought Niles in for questioning.
Intelligence received by Cat Crimes HQ suggests that Niles is the
favoured thief of organised crime boss
Don Meowleone. He is believed to have been
instructed to acquire Don Meowleone’s mother’s favourite smoked
sausages from the butcher.
During questioning, Niles denied any involvement and claimed that
he had never visited the premises. Investigators noted that the
suspect smelled strongly of smoked sausage and repeatedly licked
his lips throughout the interview.
When shown photographic evidence connected to the incident, Niles
refused to answer further questions. He then attempted to eat one
of the photographs before requesting legal representation.
Detective Findings
Although investigators believe Niles successfully removed the
sausages, no stolen goods were recovered. It is suspected that the
evidence was consumed before it could be delivered to Don
Meowleone.
Insufficient evidence was available to support formal charges.
Niles was therefore released pending further enquiries.
Current Status: Suspect remains at large and under
investigation. Detectives are advised to report any sightings,
particularly those involving butcher’s shops, paper bags or the
smell of smoked sausage.
👤 31 AUGUST 2026
Confirmed Sighting #001 — The Bank Holiday Banger Heist
CONFIRMED BADGE SIGHTING
CAT CRIMES HQ
CONFIRMED BADGE SIGHTING
Confirmed Sighting #001
The Bank Holiday Banger Heist
Date Received: 31 August 2026 Record Type: Confirmed Badge Sighting Card Verification: 008 Subject: Niles — The Sausage Thief Reporting Detective: Agent Tiger Initial Location: Eat the Italian Way, St Anne's-on-Sea Current Location: Undisclosed — awaiting Agent Tiger's decision
Bank Holiday Monday had arrived in St Annes.
The town was busy, Ashton Gardens was alive with music and entertainment,
and people were making the most of the final day of the long weekend.
In other words, conditions were absolutely perfect for crime.
And unfortunately...
Niles was in town.
🌭 Suspicious Activity
Cat Crimes Intelligence had already received worrying information that
Niles may have been taking a suspicious interest in the Bank Holiday
activity around St Annes.
With crowds gathering and food being consumed across town, there were
simply too many opportunities for a professional sausage thief to ignore.
Exactly what happened during the earlier part of the day remains unclear.
Witness statements are nonexistent.
CCTV evidence has mysteriously failed to reach Cat Crimes HQ.
And Niles is refusing to answer questions.
Investigators therefore cannot confirm whether a sausage-related offence
actually took place.
They can, however, confirm that Niles eventually turned up somewhere
extremely interesting.
🍝 Back to the Boss
Niles was discovered inside Eat the Italian Way.
This immediately raised eyebrows at Cat Crimes HQ.
Eat the Italian Way is, of course, the known territory of
Don Meowleone.
Previous intelligence has already linked Niles to Don Meowleone's
sausage-acquisition operations, including the highly questionable
disappearance of smoked sausages from a family butcher in Lytham.
So why had Niles returned to Don Meowleone's headquarters on one of
the busiest days of the Bank Holiday weekend?
Was he hiding?
Was he reporting back?
Had Don Meowleone summoned him for a quiet discussion concerning
previous sausage-related performance issues?
Neither suspect is talking.
Cat Crimes HQ therefore considers the matter
highly suspicious.
🚨 First Confirmed Sighting
Then, at approximately 14:15, Cat Crimes HQ received
the message investigators had been waiting for.
NILES HAD BEEN FOUND.
After months on the Cat Crimes wanted list, investigators finally had
their first confirmed sighting of Niles — The Sausage Thief.
And the detective responsible?
Agent Tiger.
Niles had apparently hoped that sitting quietly inside Eat the Italian Way
would prevent anyone from recognising one of Cat Crimes' wanted criminals.
It did not.
Agent Tiger had officially become the
first detective to locate Niles in the wild.
Celebrations immediately broke out at Cat Crimes HQ.
They lasted approximately eleven seconds.
Because somebody asked an important question.
Had Agent Tiger recovered the sausages?
No.
No sausages were recovered.
Not one.
Niles had no comment.
🔎 What Happens Now?
There was one further complication.
When Agent Tiger was asked what they intended to do with Niles next,
the answer was:
“Not sure yet.”
Understandable.
Nobody at Cat Crimes HQ had actually planned this far ahead.
Investigators had spent so long looking for Niles that apparently
nobody had written the section of the procedure explaining what to do
if somebody actually found him.
So, for now, Niles remains under the watchful eye of Agent Tiger.
Will he remain in custody?
Will he eventually be released back into the wild?
Will he mysteriously appear somewhere else for another detective to find?
Nobody knows.
Including Niles.
❤️ An Unexpected Result
There was, however, one detail in Agent Tiger's report that caused an
unusual silence at Cat Crimes HQ.
When asked how finding Niles had made them feel, Agent Tiger said:
“It really cheered me up.”
And suddenly, even the hardened investigators at HQ had to admit something.
Niles may be a shameless sausage thief.
He may have spent Bank Holiday Monday behaving extremely suspiciously.
Somewhere in St Annes there may still be a sausage wondering where
everything went wrong.
But on this particular day, one ridiculous little wanted criminal
managed to make somebody smile.
We think that's worth recording in the official case file.
Don't tell Niles, though.
He has a reputation to maintain.
CASE STATUS
First confirmed sighting: CONFIRMED
Reporting Detective: Agent Tiger
Missing sausages recovered: NONE
Niles' future location: UNDECIDED
Agent Tiger cheered up: CONFIRMED ❤️
Niles cooperating with investigators:
ABSOLUTELY NOT
⚠️ CAT CRIMES NOTICE
Should Agent Tiger decide to release Niles back into the wild,
members of the public are advised to
SECURE ALL SAUSAGES IMMEDIATELY.
Cat Crimes Motto
Find Me. Keep Me. Hide Me Again. The choice is yours.Every badge has a story. Every cat has a crime. Every adventure helps rescue cats.
Suspect Overview
Smoked Sausage Obsessed