Name: Muffin
Alias: The Cord Cutter
Status: At Large
Last Confirmed Sighting: Last seen sprinting across open countryside in hot pursuit of a rogue jogger drawstring, ignoring all bail conditions and several shouted warnings from investigators.
Muffin's long criminal career finally came to an end after months of destruction involving jogging bottoms, hoodie strings, dressing gown cords, and anything else with a dangling end. Investigators had spent weeks trying to track down the notorious Cord Cutter, only to discover that the suspect had accidentally caught himself. Officers arrived to find Muffin hopelessly tangled in a pile of chewed jogging trouser cords, unable to escape his own crime scene. He was arrested without incident, although he reportedly blamed the cords for "getting in the way."
Following his arrest, Muffin was released on bail under strict court orders. The Cat Crimes Court ruled that he was not to approach, chase, chew, bat, pounce on, or even think about jogging trouser cords. Unfortunately, the order lasted only a few days. While enjoying supervised outdoor time, Muffin spotted a discarded jogging trouser drawstring blowing across a nearby field. Witnesses say he froze, his eyes widened, and he immediately launched himself into pursuit. The suspect escaped over a hedge and has not been seen since. Investigators believe he is still somewhere in the countryside chasing the world's most exciting piece of string.
Official Cat Crimes Bragging Rights for information leading to the suspect's capture.
Warning: Do not approach while wearing jogging bottoms, hoodies, dressing gowns, or any clothing containing dangling cords.
• The Cord Cutter
• The Drawstring Destroyer
• The Jogger Strangler
• Captain Tanglepaws
• Lord of the Strings
• The Hoodie Hoodlum
• The Elastic Eliminator
• The Drawstring Bandit
• Suspect becomes completely distracted by dangling jogger cords.
• Previous arrest was only successful because suspect became tangled in stolen evidence.
• Court-ordered cord avoidance programme ended after approximately 17 minutes.
• Investigators are advised to secure all jogger cords before attempting contact.
• Considered a high-risk offender in households containing loungewear.
• Shows no remorse and often returns to the scene of the crime.
• Aggravated Drawstring Assault.
• Destruction of Jogging Bottoms.
• Public Endangerment of Loungewear.
• Multiple Counts of String Harassment.
• Possession of Stolen Hoodie Strings.
• Violating Bail Conditions.
• Resisting Rehabilitation.
• Serial Cord Mutilation.
• Drawstrings that stop moving.
• Cardboard boxes.
• Chin scratches.
• Warm hoodies straight from the tumble dryer.
• Closed cupboard doors (must investigate immediately).
• Cardboard boxes.
• Freshly washed blankets.
• Last observed disappearing over a hedge while pursuing a loose drawstring blowing in the wind.
• Spotted beneath a clothes airer, monitoring several pairs of jogging bottoms.
• Seen chasing a jogger through the park after spotting a swinging drawstring.
• Frequently sighted lurking near bedroom floors where discarded clothing has been left unattended.
• Reportedly attempted to "rescue" a drawstring from a pair of tracksuit bottoms hanging on a washing line.
• Tangled in his own evidence.
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