🗂️ Investigation Log #001

It began during a downpour.

Rain hammered against the windows of Eat the Italian Way, while inside, Tinkerbell – The Lazy Assassin sat patiently waiting.

Not because she was frightened of the rain.

Tinkerbell simply does not do wet.

For several minutes she watched the streets through the window until, almost as suddenly as it had begun, the rain stopped.

Tinkerbell stood.

Her voyage had begun.

Agent B followed.

🏺 The Antique Centre Incident

Tinkerbell's first stop was the antique centre.

What happened inside remains the subject of an ongoing investigation.

Witnesses reported seeing Tinkerbell browsing.

Tinkerbell claims she was "looking."

Cat Crimes HQ would like to point out that looking does not normally result in leaving a building with a china milk jug and matching saucer that you did not arrive with.

Nevertheless, Tinkerbell emerged moments later carrying both.

Apparently, if you're going to commit theft, you may as well have standards.

She is, after all, a classy cat.

Agent B continued surveillance.

🌳 The Ashton Gardens Encounter

Approximately one minute later, Tinkerbell was spotted walking around the lake in Ashton Gardens.

China jug secured.

Saucer intact.

Everything appeared normal.

Then came the scream.

Tinkerbell froze.

On the path ahead, chaos had erupted.

A seagull had intercepted an innocent member of the public and successfully seized a Co-op food bag.

This was initially considered standard gull behaviour.

It wasn't.

The gull abandoned the food.

Turned.

And stared directly at Tinkerbell.

For several seconds, neither animal moved.

Then the gull approached.

Slowly.

Deliberately.

It examined Tinkerbell from head to tail.

Tinkerbell backed away.

Agent B later identified the bird as a possible member of something described as the Criminal Defence Force.

Cat Crimes HQ has been unable to locate any organisation officially operating under that name.

More concerningly, HQ has found no record explaining how Agent B knew it existed.

The gull tilted its head.

Tinkerbell took another step backwards.

Then another gull landed nearby.

Then another.

The first gull gave a single cry.

Every bird looked towards Tinkerbell.

She ran.

🐦 The Cat Who Knew

Tinkerbell fled Ashton Gardens.

Behind her came the unmistakable cries of the gulls.

She didn't look back.

More appeared overhead.

Tinkerbell ran faster.

The china jug was still somehow in her possession.

The saucer was still intact.

Frankly, this may be the most unbelievable part of the entire report.

As she tore towards Clifton Drive, she spotted a familiar figure sitting perfectly still beside the pavement.

Alan.

His tail was motionless.

His ears were back.

And he wasn't looking at Tinkerbell.

He was looking up.

Several gulls were circling overhead.

One landed on a nearby rooftop.

Another settled on a lamppost.

Alan's eyes moved slowly from one bird to the next.

Tinkerbell slowed.

He didn't answer.

The gull on the lamppost tilted its head.

Alan's tail gave one sharp flick.

Then he finally looked at Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell blinked.

Alan's ears flattened.

He looked back towards the sky.

For once in her life, Tinkerbell required no further encouragement.

She ran.

Past Alan.

Across the road.

Straight towards the HY Hotel.

Behind her, Alan remained exactly where she'd left him.

Sitting perfectly still.

Watching the gulls.

One by one, the birds took off.

Alan watched them go.

Tinkerbell ran faster.

🏨 The HY Hotel Incident

Unfortunately, The Lazy Assassin is considerably more experienced in lying on beds than performing high-speed urban escapes.

By the time she reached the HY Hotel, panic had taken over.

She bolted through the entrance.

Across the lobby.

Lost control.

And performed what Agent B would later describe as an accidental speed run directly into the vending machine.

There was a clatter.

A thud.

And silence.

Agent B approached cautiously.

There, somehow wedged within the metal confines of a vending machine, was one of Cat Crimes' most wanted criminals.

Tinkerbell had contained herself.

No police assistance required.

No dramatic arrest.

No sophisticated detective work.

She had simply run into a vending machine.

⚖️ The Evidence Problem

Once Tinkerbell had been extracted from the vending machine, Agent B finally had her cornered.

The Lazy Assassin was surrounded.

Escape was impossible.

And after the incident at the antique centre, there appeared to be more than enough reason to take her straight into custody.

There was just one problem.

The evidence had disappeared.

The china milk jug was gone.

The saucer was gone.

Agent B searched the area.

Nothing.

This presented Cat Crimes HQ with a rather significant problem.

Agent B had followed Tinkerbell throughout the entire journey.

They had seen her leave the antique centre with the stolen items.

They had watched her carry them through Ashton Gardens.

They had followed her during the gull incident.

They had watched her run past Alan.

And yet, somewhere between Ashton Gardens and Tinkerbell's spectacular collision with the vending machine...

both items had vanished.

Nobody had seen Tinkerbell drop them.

Nobody had seen her hide them.

And Agent B had never lost sight of her.

Tinkerbell was searched.

Nothing.

The surrounding area was searched.

Nothing.

No jug.

No saucer.

No evidence.

Tinkerbell sat quietly while investigators debated what to do.

She looked remarkably pleased with herself.

Without the missing items, HQ had insufficient evidence to bring her into custody for the antique-centre heist.

Tinkerbell was free to go.

Almost.

🧹 A Fate Worse Than Custody

There was still the small matter of the HY Hotel vending machine.

Tinkerbell's high-speed arrival had caused absolute chaos.

Packets were everywhere.

The machine needed sorting.

The mess needed cleaning.

And somebody was going to have to deal with it.

Agent B looked at the vending machine.

Then at Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell looked at the vending machine.

Then at Agent B.

Her expression changed.

Tinkerbell – The Lazy Assassin – was informed that although she could not be detained for the antique-centre theft, she could be held responsible for cleaning up the mess she'd just caused.

Tinkerbell was horrified.

Prison she could handle.

Interrogation she could ignore.

She'd probably sleep through both.

But this?

This was manual labour.

And worse still, manual labour immediately after the run of her life.

Tinkerbell stared at Agent B in disbelief.

Had nobody considered what she'd just been through?

She had run through Ashton Gardens.

She had fled an apparent gull pursuit.

She had crossed Clifton Drive at speeds previously believed impossible for The Lazy Assassin.

She had crashed into a vending machine.

Surely she'd suffered enough.

Apparently not.

For a cat whose preferred daily schedule consists largely of lying down, moving somewhere slightly more comfortable and lying down again, the situation was nothing short of a nightmare.

Tinkerbell was therefore left at the HY Hotel until the mess was cleared.

She was disgusted.

Agent B departed.

Tinkerbell stared at the scattered contents of the vending machine.

Eventually, she lifted one paw.

She reluctantly nudged a packet towards the machine.

Then another.

She stopped.

Lay down.

And closed her eyes.

She had been working for almost eleven seconds.

A well-earned break was required.

🔒 The Missing China

The antique-centre case remains officially unresolved.

The china milk jug has never been recovered.

Neither has the saucer.

Agent B insists Tinkerbell had both items when she entered Ashton Gardens.

Agent B also insists they never lost sight of her.

Cat Crimes HQ has reviewed the report several times.

There is no obvious explanation for how two pieces of china simply disappeared.

Except perhaps one.

At some point during the escape...

the gulls were directly above her.

Whether this is relevant remains unknown.

Alan has been asked.

Alan refuses to answer.

Tinkerbell claims she knows nothing.

Although investigators noted that she looked far too smug when she said it.

🔒 Classified HQ Note

Cat Crimes HQ attempted to question Alan.

Alan refused to cooperate.

He washed one paw.

Ignored every question.

Then jumped onto a filing cabinet and went to sleep.

However, just before closing his eyes, investigators heard him mutter four words:

His tail flicked once.

Further questioning has been authorised.

Alan has declined to acknowledge this.

🔎 Final Report

Agent B reported that the adventure made them smile.

They investigated the Criminal Diaries.

Studied the suspect profiles.

Visited the Evidence Locker.

And then did exactly what Cat Crimes was designed to allow:

They became part of the story.

But Agent B also left Cat Crimes HQ with one suggestion.

Perhaps the investigation shouldn't only involve cats.

Perhaps other animals have stories too.

HQ initially logged the suggestion as:

Then investigators reviewed Agent B's report again.

The stolen Co-op bag.

The strange inspection.

The Criminal Defence Force.

The gulls gathering around Tinkerbell.

The mysteriously disappearing china.

Alan sitting beneath them.

And that warning.

The classification was changed.

POSSIBLE ACTIVE INVESTIGATION.

Because perhaps the other animals haven't been missing from Cat Crimes at all.

Perhaps we just haven't been watching them.

And somewhere above St Anne's, perched on a rooftop, a seagull is watching us back.

Possibly drinking milk from a suspiciously classy china saucer.

But Cat Crimes HQ has absolutely no evidence of that.